Warning: Complaining about a bad day ahead.

So.

Life totally knows I'm not feeling good.

You know how I know that?

Because I NEVER get scolded and in the past 24 hours, I've been scolded three times.

The first time you could almost say was poking fun because it was at the Ren Faire and it was because he thought I wasn't reverancing the Queen. He still shouted at me in front of about a hundred people.

Then, in choir, I've been told before that if you aren't singing, you don't have to follow along. Today, we had visitors so, in front of three strangers and a choir of 70 girls, I was told that that was not in fact the case. And, to add insult to injury, that it "made him feel bad."

THEN, I come home. I'm still not well enough to really speak and my throat hurts, so I make some mac and cheese. I didn't have enough water in the pot and I let it go too long so there was a substantial amount of pasta on the bottom of the pot. I put it in the sink to soak. Mum comes home and rips me a new asshole about how I never clean up after I cook. HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO SCRUB THAT OUT WITHOUT LETTING IT SOAK FIRST?!

So fuck you, Universe. Fuck you.

Goddamn Dreams

So, I recently got myself a negative ion generator. I've got it plugged in by my bed at all times. This means that I'm on natural happy chemicals constantly and, for some reason, that means I dream a lot.

That explanation aside, let's get to why I'm blogging.

The night before last, I had some pretty weird dreams. It started with weird performance anxiety dreams. Not too unusual. Then, dream logic turned me on my head and somehow I ended up in a room that very much resembles M's room (but not so purple). There's one girl asleep in the bed and another girl who's talking to me. This girl had C's lips. Not just the way they look but, upon closer inspection aka kissing, the way they feel and taste even. Yeah, I don't have sex dreams - I have make out dreams. Really racy, right?

Well, weirder thing is that M slept over a couple nights before that. Somehow in our nighttime crazies, I persuaded her to share my bed instead of using the lilo. It was more comfortable for her of course, but GAH. She was sleeping next to me. Not that that hasn't happened before, I mean that's how her sleepovers are at her house. That's why she's got such a big bed. But but but STILL. I don't do this thing.

And, of course, the moment I think "gosh, I might be getting somewhere with this semi-seduction thing," it all goes tits up and awkward and I have no idea where I stand with her. At all. Jesus, there are times I think I should just give up.

And the thing is that I KNOW that she does things that bug me. I KNOW it would never work. For gods sakes, she's never had a boyfriend, never been properly kissed (outside of theater), and never had sex. Never seems to want to either as I found out from that same sleepover. She's like me - other people having sex is fine and it's not that we aren't interested, but we just think sex that involves us is gross.

WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!?!?!

Because CLEARLY my mind is telling me that I want something from someone, but I can't find anyone who wants the same thing with me. I think my original conclusion that the chances of two people wanting each other at the same time are ludicrously tiny and that I should just give up...

What I could use right now...

Is a good snog.

Yep.

Okay, so that was random, let's explain.

So, I've been AWOL for a VERY long time. Principal reason being that I've been busy with college. Not exceedingly so, but busy enough that blogging hasn't exactly been the first thing on my mind.

Met a nice girl in college (let's call her M) and proceeded to fall deeply into flirt with her. It was a joke at first - she was straight, I was basically gay and it was all a good time. We got close really fast. A couple sleepovers later, I'm lusting after her like a teenage boy.

There's a BBC Sherlock joke about a riding crop. We had an inside joke about me using a riding crop on her to get her to finish writing her Sherlock fic. So what do I do? I buy a riding crop for $3. I bring it to school and sneak into her unlocked car while she's napping and present it to her (in a platonic, ironic way).

And the thing is SHE'S COOL WITH IT.

She's laughed at it - at me. She thinks it's hilarious that I flirt with her and joke about molesting her. She's teased me relentlessly in more ways than one. For instance, while over at her house, her cat decides to curl up by my legs where I had them off to the side on the couch. M decides she wants to pet said cat who happens to be on the other side of where she's sitting. So rather than get up and pet the cat, she just lays across my lap.

Now this wouldn't be such a big deal were it not for the fact that she had taken a shower and had decided not to put a bra on under her top. So she was basically smashing her bare breasts into my legs. And she stayed there for over an hour.

Again, wouldn't have been such a big deal, but she KNOWS I like her. She KNOWS. And she's toying with my emotions.

She even told me once that she "wasn't even sure anymore" when I was jokingly complaining that she was straight.

WHY?! WHY ARE ALL THE WONDERFUL GIRLS STRAIGHT, UNINTERESTED, OR HUGE FUCKING TEASES?!

Ugh. And I of course have no idea how to deal with this as my sexuality is a bit skewed and awkward. Not to mention that I have no idea what to do about her.

I had considered "brainwashing her with intimacy" as a fanfic so gracefully put it. The idea is that two people talk about themselves without being judgmental for 30, 60, or 90 minutes, then stare at each other for four minutes in silence after. A few couples who participated in the study actually got married. I figured that, with the amount we talk, it would be easy to just say "hey, I want to try something. Let's set a timer and stare at one another for four minutes. I can't tell you what it is or it'll spoil the experiment." And she'd probably do it because she's just HER.

But then I thought maybe not. I would want her to come of her own volition, not because I "made" her that way. And I'd have to explain myself eventually.


So, anyway, she's the reason I feel like I just need a good snog. The kind that's just for the sake of snogging one another senseless. Times like these, I kind of miss C. Then, I come to my senses and realize that I don't.

Ugh, my sex life. Relationship life. What the fuck ever... >.<"

Reminiscing

I've been thinking about C and K a lot recently.

I guess writing about romances has gotten me thinking about my own. I've been writing a story that I knew would have a point where the two main characters would have to face that they do actually like each other and will have to figure out what to do despite it being against some rules. I've reached that point. There's quite a bit of tension and I can't seem to separate myself from it. It's kind of weird and absolute shit for my writing. It's coming out like a bad teen romance novel (YUCK). I should probably lay off the Netflix for a bit too... >.<'' Nikita's addicting, what can I say?

I also had a FB run-in with C's mom (let's call her S). S has always been an odd bird, but she was nice. We're still friends on FB and we had both read a mutual friend's post about Napoleon not actually being that short. The first person countered by telling her that the average height for a man is 5'11", which I'm fairly certain is wrong. I said so. S proceeds to comment saying that our mutual friend said "not that short" as though telling me I was wrong in saying anything. I told her that I was correcting the first commenter, not our friend. She then posts that she was doing the same.

Sorry - what?

That makes no bloody sense no matter how I slice it. Mind you, I have no idea how much S knows about what happened between C and I, but I know that we didn't tell her anything while it was happening. Or at least I think she didn't (you may recall that one of my principal complaints about C was her big mouth). So what's all this now? I'm considering asking C how much she told S. Just had to vent some frustration on that.

Sigh

So, mum has officially admitted that she's ignoring the fact that I'm not into guys.

This happened a week or so ago, but it's been on my mind. We were discussing futures and my ongoing frustration with the overwhelming majority of idiots my age resulting in talking about dating and marriage. I think I've made it pretty clear that I don't want kids. Mum (and dad for that matter) think I'll change my mind. So, as usual, we ended up talking about that.

I passingly (though, admittedly, pointedly) mentioned the fact that I'd need a man to make babies and that that wasn't likely to happen. Mum continues on her way upstairs, obviously changing the subject saying "well, I'm going to go do ironing." To this I replied "yeah, sure, go bury your head in some laundry." To my surprise she said "absolutely" and went upstairs.

So a pretty blatant admission of denial... if that makes any sense at all. I'm half considering confronting her about her hypocrisy and half considering talking to her myriad of gay friends about it . Not sure which is more tactful. I think perhaps a FB message is in order to ask about this... Will consider heavily before acting.

Manic Depression

Found out recently that I might be manic depressive. Bipolar 1, if you're interested. Felt like shit. Had to write something. Something to make someone understand. Something to communicate because I can't seem to actually say it. I was a bit manic last night and now I'm really not.

Format poem.

Manic Depression
It hurts
In a way
That doesn't hurt.

I'm sad
In a way
That doesn't make me cry.

I'm tired
In a way
That sleep evades me.

That's what depression feels like.

I'm happy
In a way
That scares people.

I'm hyper
In a way
That's entirely inappropriate.

I'm agitated
In a way
That makes me want to get out of my skin.

That's what mania feels like.

I'm crying
In a way
That makes no sense because I'm doing what I love.

I'm paranoid
In a way
That makes me antisocial, not anxious.

I'm raw
In a way
That I should mind, but I don't.

That's what manic depression feels like.

I'm bipolar
In a way
That I hate
But it's so much a part of me
I'm afraid to let it go.
What if I lose part of me?
What if I'm not who I was?
What if that's all I am?

I'm scared
In a way
That's not normal.

But I'm not really normal
Am I?

Can't

I can't think.

I'm just feeling down right now. I can't seem to do much of anything at the moment. I was really irritated a bit ago, now I'm just... sad, I guess. I don't even know how to describe it. It's not sad like I've just seen a kitten killed or something. It's a different kind of sad. The kind that gives me that feeling in the back of my throat like I'm going to cry. Maybe I should.

Catharsis, the Greeks called it. Letting "negative" emotions take over for a little while, get it out of your system, then go on with life. That was the reason for the famous tragedies.

I, on the other hand, tend to be the master of packing it down. I don't explode or get really angry at people unless they do something really awful. I'm a bit sarcastic, but it's not in my nature to just show what I'm feeling. I don't usually cry when others can see me.

No one can see me right now.

But why do I stop myself? Because I don't know why I'd be crying. I have no reason. Should I waste my energy? Am I wasting more my fighting it? I don't know anymore.

I can't think, remember?


...I need some hot cocoa.